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i don’t know. November 7, 2008

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no one understands. they find the cold to be prohibitive, discouraging, counterintuitive. i don’t get that. at all. those days … overcast and that breeze in the air. it’s chilly … it’s invigorating. that dusk period – the smell in the air – of rain. with the layers of clouds above, it’s almost like, even when you’re outside, you’re still indoors. like the roof of the stadium has closed. makes everything feel much more intimate. it’s like … you’re just closer to everything. the world seems smaller. so beautiful, so natural, and it’s also evenings like that which can make one realize, quite profoundly, that it’s a crime against all that is good to spend the time alone. no one understands the vitality of simple pleasures anymore. the cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows, the hoodie with the hood up, the putting your hand in the little pocket on the front of her hoodie to hold hands so she doesn’t have to take her hand out, how pure it feels to just be – to just realize how incredibly hard it is to think of anywhere else you would rather be and anyone else you would rather be with. as much as i love the weather, i also hate it. i’m dreading it. i don’t want to spend winter alone.

listen to “Your Hand In Mine” by Explosions In The Sky October 2, 2008

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Posted on Facebook late last night …

ok, here’s the situation. it’s approximately 11:30 on Wednesday night. i’m off work tomorrow, and I’m also off on Friday. i go back to work on Saturday morning at 9:30. sometime between now and then, i would really love to go on a date. it could even be a blind date, and i don’t think i would be any less enthusiastic. however, such things are usually easier said than done, which is why you’re reading this – if there are any ladies out there who don’t think they would regret too terribly spending an evening with me, let me know. and just in case you’re on the fence, so to speak, i absolutely can not stand it when guys don’t open car and building doors for girls, i like romantic comedies, i love sarah mclachlan, i talk with my mom pretty regularly, i say “ma’am” when talking to anyone’s mom, i don’t have a subscription to maxim or FHM, i don’t watch spike tv, i don’t drink, i don’t smoke (i’m allergic – i couldn’t, even if i wanted to), i love cats, i know who McDreamy and McSteamy are, i think brad pitt is a complete moron for leaving jennifer for angelina, and i even know how to leave the toilet seat down! i was raised mostly by my mom, and i’m to the point now where i think it’s gross when guys leave it up. got most of the bases covered, right? however, just so i don’t sound too conceited, because we know how important first impressions are, i’m not perfect. my friends are tremendously important to me, and i usually end up investing myself too heavily in relationships (all kinds), so some people could make the argument, if they felt the need, that i need to be better at that. there are a lot of evenings when i’m content at the house watching a movie, or at hastings reading, so some people might be inclined to call that boring. since i’m allergic to cigarette smoke, i never go to bars, so some people might say my social life needs work. now, hopefully, if you’ve made it this far, you’re not “some people”, and we can hang out sometime. but, like i said, i’m not perfect, so – fair warning. 😉

i just can’t help it. July 26, 2008

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we can kid ourselves about it quite a bit, but really…..who are we fooling, you know? playing the game where you just kind of shake your head and try to gain some clarity…well, it can be very hard to believe that it’s anything more than a smokescreen. always easier said than done. because, frankly, it’s painful. sweeping things under the rug might seem like a good idea, and in some situations, it’s very justifiable, but i don’t want to be swept. i don’t want to be the victim of a housekeeping project.

what i want is to be there.

right there.

in close proximity.

because, right now, i’m far from it. and i don’t really have any kind of realistic cause to hold the belief that anything will change, but maybe i don’t care. maybe i’m pre-destined to ignore things like that. to struggle with eternal optimism, you could say.

is not wanting progression still an ignorant perspective when you know of nothing you could conceivably move on to that could be better than where you were?

or is that just me going for the gold in keyboard gymnastics?

i really don’t know. but what i do know is that i am just going to have to keep kicking myself for thinking too much, because i’m not ready for progression. not yet. i don’t think i will be ready for some time, because the thoughts and the memories are all i have left, and they’re just too good, too happy, too grab-you-in-a-huge-bear-hug-and-pick-you-up-and-kiss-you-in-midair beautiful to let go of.

“the ten and the two is a lonely sight.”

so, here’s me. July 3, 2008

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sitting here. really, really awesome songs stuck in my head – like, that new John Mayer live album? dude. absolutely superb. “why georgia” is just…yeah. way, WAY good. and the recording itself is a total pleasure to listen to – it’s clear and defined enough that you can catch the subtle things that he changes, but not overly touched up or compressed so that the emotion is gone, because it’s still obvious that it’s live. just the right mix. only two complaints: he should’ve thrown one or two more acoustic songs in, and “say” definitely should have been performed, either acoustic or with the full band, because it’s fantastic and was missed, at least by me. also, seriously, whoever reads this, if you didn’t catch it on TV, please YouTube David Cook’s performance of “The World I Know” by Collective Soul (or just go here, if you’re lazy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Jv8ktz-IbOU) because it’s a great, great performance – i’m no Idol expert or anything, but that’s the best rendition i’ve seen in the past couple of years, no doubt. of course, it doesn’t exactly hurt that that’s an awesome song to begin with.

let’s see, what else?

OH – for real, if you don’t normally listen to them, please check out Sigur Ros, more specifically, the third track from their Untitled album. if you look for it, it will either be tagged as “Untitled 3” or “Samskeyti” – absolutely beautiful. it’s so simple, and yet, you can listen to it eight or ten times in a row, which I’ve done, and it evokes emotion in a different way every time – just stunning. (or, to go to YouTube again, lol, just go here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X6C6YvnlT60)

ok, enough about music, before I just ramble too much

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wanna know what’s really up? the 411? the real reason I felt like writing this?

honestly, I’m not sure. I really, truly don’t know.

I do know, however, that something is going on. I feel like something needs to be dropped, or has to be changed, or needs to be added in…..something. I just…I don’t know.

I’ve just felt…I don’t even want to say “weird”, because that’s such a vague word to use, and it doesn’t even really mean anything. I’m like a TV set that is displaying too much static and needs to have the reception adjusted. That might not be a good way to explain how I feel either, because it implies that there are things in my life that need to be cut out, which isn’t necessarily the case, at least not that I can distinguish.

It’s just confusing, and I’m really not intending to just pay myself on the back, because that might be what this will sound like, but I think that, generally speaking, I do a decent job of knowing who I am, being okay with that, and being smart enough to acknowledge that some things, or some situations, are quite the opposite of “me”. I’m stronger in my Straight Edge commitment than I have ever been, I will hopefully be taking some classes at Tech in the fall, I have a good job, I have been blessed with friends that I care about…and seriously, as irrational as this will probably sound, I can’t help sometimes feeling that none of those things – absolutely none of them – really matter.

I mean, from a realistic perspective, obviously, I know they do, but I just…..ok, if you feel like it, just imagine with me for a minute. Imagine that you’re someone who doesn’t need contact lenses, but you’ve been wearing them anyway, your whole life, so your view of everything is completely distorted, and one day, you finally just take them out and open your eyes…I mean, really open your eyes…for the first time, ever. Wouldn’t that be the most wonderful feeling? Sure, it would be scary and overwhelming, but, again, just imagine! The clarity!

I want that. I want to get to that point. I don’t know exactly what that means, or what I would see when I take the contacts out, or where to start, or how much time to set aside, but I don’t think any of that really matters either. I’m not even sure what I have to do, but I know I need to get started. Soon. If anyone has any ideas, please, let me know.

And if you’re reading this with contacts in, well, I unfortunately can’t speak from experience, yet, but take them out.