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I don’t know what to title this. October 8, 2010

Posted by Jordan in Thoughts.
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It’s happening, right now. I can feel it. The struggle, the rise, the fall, the beautiful, and the terrible. Rarely do I ever feel the fight more than I am right now, and I don’t know which way the pendulum should swing. It hurts.

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Holy cow. Oh my goodness. My heart is RACING. Like, right now. As I type. I’m live-blogging, mind you. Saving as I go. And I’m in the thick of it. I just left battle. I *acted*. I *went with it*. That, you must understand, is *tremendously* significant to me. WOW. That was AMAZING! I can’t even process my thoughts, really, such is the dizzying effect it had. I mean, you’re reading my best attempt to process my thoughts! This is it! This is me, trying to figure it out! I left, felt like I was coming apart at the seams, went straight to my nearest safe zone – a bookstore, naturally – sat down, and continued this.

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Okay. Settle down, Jordan. Whew. I need to try to get this out. You, in all likelihood, are wondering what on Earth I’m heart-vomiting about. I’m getting there. Trying to, anyway. Just bear with me. Again – there’s no facade here. No trickery. No deception. This is real time, as I’m thinking, and right now, I can’t tell which is greater: my feeling of elation or my feeling of terror.

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It’s now a couple of hours later. My heartbeat has slowed, but only a slight amount. Here’s the deal. Actually, I’d be curious to hear your opinion on this. What should I do when specific strong feelings I have about what I should do, if acted upon, might come into conflict with the general way I try to live my life? Which should take precedence over the other? If, on the one hand, you have these acute emotions about certain people or situations that you feel the desire to act on, and on the other hand, you have the sort of person you try to be, and the two seem, in certain situations, to be mutually exclusive – which way? Do you work as best you can to suppress your feelings, for the sake of being the person you seek to be, or do you go with it and express/act on those feelings, because to choose not to would be to deny yourself what your heart most desires?

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Tonight, after pacing for an indeterminate length of time, I said “screw it” and went with it. I didn’t fully express myself, but I at least said *something*. I have a precious jewel of a friend who makes my heart ache, for reasons more numerous than I can really go into right now. Tonight, I went to her and told her, against all my worrying and indecision, that she is *wonderful* and truly deserves to be happy, and that I hope she never forgets that. Her smile, in response, and the tears she seemed to have to hold back nearly took me apart, right there. And then … a hug. Ecstasy.

——————–

Remember, in Love Actually, immediately after the postcard scene, after Keira Knightley runs after the dude and kisses him, when he’s walking away, Silent Night-playing-boombox in hand? The vibe of that exact moment? That was me, tonight.

the twilight director’s notebook, hoodies, professional wrestling, and a tragic loss. March 19, 2009

Posted by Jordan in Books, Thoughts, Twilight.
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So, after an unsuccessful Wal-Mart run late Monday night to see if they had any copies of the Twilight Director’s Notebook on the shelves, I dropped by again last night and grabbed it.

It’s smaller than I figured it would be – I was thinking it would be comparable to that Movie Companion that was put out last year, but it’s more compact. It’s actually really close to the books, as far as dimensions go, which works too. Also expected softcover – don’t know why, just the vibe I got from reading about it – but it’s hardback. I’ve read some complaints about all the text actually being hand-lettered by Catherine Hardwicke, mostly that it can get a bit difficult to read sometimes, but I totally disagree – her writing gives the pages lots of personality and energy. There are doodles and annotations all over the place, which, going with the idea they probably wanted, makes it feel more like a real journal.

Also, LOVED the picture and description of what Catherine’s copy of Twilight looks like now – creases everywhere, scotch tape on the spine, Post-It notes sticking out. Fantastic. So broken-in and … comfortable. Like opening it up is as if you’re stepping into your favorite pair of shoes, or throwing on your favorite hoodie that’s like a bedroom that you can wear. Mine will, eventually, probably look like that … the next time I read it, which will likely be sooner rather than later, I need to grab some pens and start color-coding certain parts of it and just flowing, almost like you do when you write in a journal. Is it weird to, while reading a book, experience some of the same feelings you get when adding to a journal or diary? Like it’s almost … private? Like, even though the words you’re reading aren’t yours, there’s still that feeling of intimacy that you get when reading a journal entry or reading over a long e-mail before sending it? I don’t know … that might not make sense, but it makes sense to me, and I think the effect those books have on people is amazing.

Honestly, it almost feels weird, or insufficient, to use the word “read” to describe the act of reading them, because you’re doing more than that. You’re stepping into something. To use another clothing analogy – and this might not resonate with those of you who aren’t as awestruck as I am by the incredibly high Awesomeness Quotient of hoodies – it’s like the difference between wearing a hoodie with the hood off and wearing one with the hood on. Again, I’m sort of a hoodie fanboy, so bear with me (as my Analogy Rollercoaster threatens to run completely off the tracks), but it’s a COMPLETELY different experience, I assure you. 

Wearing one with the hood off is still ok, because you know the hood is there if you need it. It’s like a safety net – like the “Kill” and “Reset” buttons Tommy Lee has tattooed on his arm. It’s available, should your situation change.

But wearing one with the hood on? Dude. That’s REAL. For anyone that used to watch WWE (back when it was still the WWF), it’s like when Vince McMahon would be in the ring talking about whatever, and then, all of a sudden, the glass would break, Steve Austin’s music would come on, he’d saunter out with a steel chair in tow, the crowd would be going completely berserk, and Jim Ross would be absolutely beside himself, like “OHMIGAWD, IT’S STONE COLD! HE’S HERE! BUSINESS IS FOR DAMN SURE GONNA PICK UP, RIGHT HERE, RIGHT NOW!” Yeah. That’s what going from “sans hood” to “hood power: activated” is like. It’s taking things up a notch.

That’s what reading The Twilight Saga is. That’s the difference. Going allll the way back to my original point (I promise, I do have one), saying that you “read” them is just not enough. That’s such a cold, sanitized way of describing it – as if the interaction you have with the books is nothing more than simply reading the words. There are, I would suspect, thousands (if not millions) of other Twilighters out there who would join me in profound disagreement with that. We know how much more there is to it than that, and how strong the connection is.

Another thought: I absolutely can not wait for The Official Guide, whenever they actually figure out the release date for it. I’m really interested to see what ends up being included, and, of course, completely geeking out over it with the girls at Letters To Twilight.

Last thing: I heard earlier tonight about Natasha Richardson’s tragic passing. That’s awful. Awful. I love watching her in the remake of The Parent Trap, and watching that movie now (and seeing how she just brightens up every scene that she’s in) will be quite sad. Also, I feel terrible for Liam Neeson and their sons. Love Actually is one of my favorite movies ever (I watch it, at a minimum, a couple of times a year), and seeing him in that movie now will be heartbreaking, considering that his character has just lost his wife.

for your mental. February 28, 2009

Posted by Jordan in Quotes.
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“Our society is run by a managerial bureaucracy, by professional politicians; people are motivated by mass suggestion, their aim is producing more and consuming more, as purposes in themselves. All activities are subordinated to economic goals, means have become ends; man is an automaton — well fed, well clad, but without any ultimate concern for that which is his peculiarly human quality and function. If man is to be able to love, he must be put in his supreme place. The economic machine must serve him, rather than he serve it. He must be enabled to share experience, to share work, rather than, at best, share in profits. Society must be organized in such a way that man’s social, loving nature is not separated from his social existence, but becomes one with it. If it is true, as I have tried to show, that love is the only sane and satisfactory answer to the problem of human existence, then any society which excludes, relatively, the development of love, must in the long run perish of its own contradiction with the basic necessities of human nature.” – Erich Fromm

“The skylines lit up at dead of night, the air-conditioning systems cooling empty hotels in the desert, and artificial light in the middle of the day all have something both demented and admirable about them: the mindless luxury of a rich civilization, and yet of a civilization perhaps as scared to see the lights go out as was the hunter in his primitive night.” – Jean Baudrillard

“The surest way to corrupt a youth is to instruct him to hold in higher esteem those who think alike than those who think differently.” – Friedrich Nietzsche

“I don’t give a fuck if you don’t know what I’m talking about – this is art. When you go see a painting on the wall and it looks bugged out because you don’t know what the fuck he thinking, because he ain’t got no benches, no trees there, it’s just a splash. The nigga that did it know what the fuck it is.” – Ghostface Killah