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Changing my relationship status on Facebook gave me goosebumps. April 30, 2012

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I continue to be unable to force this. It has to happen organically, free of pressure. But, for the first time in four years, I am officially spoken for, and I want to try to write about what that feels like.

I have never done this before. It would be silly and inaccurate for me to sit here and write as if I have all of the answers, because I don’t. I have not been in a relationship before in which you are not able to see your significant other every day, if you wish. Or hug them every day, or kiss them every day. This is uncharted terrain. An alien landscape.

Thinking about this, and about her, is so amazing to me. You really never do know what direction life’s winds will move you in. Hither, thither and yon, indeed. Just a few months ago, I could have in no way visualized this or seen it coming.

Usually, however, the simple, beautiful truth is that we just don’t get to tell our heart who or what it wants. And I’m pretty sure that I’m glad of that. I’m glad that the feelings are bigger than that, bigger than our whims.

I am glad that we somehow managed to find one another again, after so many years. I am glad that I get the opportunity to do everything I can to make her happy, and I am bound and determined to not screw it up.

This is active, not passive.
This is not clairvoyance.
This is the weathering of storms together.
This is reverence.
This is not insignificant.
This is the unholy alliance of ecstasy and torture.
This is worth it. She is worth it. All of the pain brought on by separation and distance. Because, my dear, we are bigger than that. I’m in this with you, all the way, as long as you’ll have me.

An outcry. March 7, 2011

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Dear Soulmate,

Please, come save me. Just come take me away. You are everything wonderful and pure and warm and beautiful, and I want to be with you and you alone.

Love without limits,
Jordan

I don’t know what to title this. October 8, 2010

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It’s happening, right now. I can feel it. The struggle, the rise, the fall, the beautiful, and the terrible. Rarely do I ever feel the fight more than I am right now, and I don’t know which way the pendulum should swing. It hurts.

——————–

Holy cow. Oh my goodness. My heart is RACING. Like, right now. As I type. I’m live-blogging, mind you. Saving as I go. And I’m in the thick of it. I just left battle. I *acted*. I *went with it*. That, you must understand, is *tremendously* significant to me. WOW. That was AMAZING! I can’t even process my thoughts, really, such is the dizzying effect it had. I mean, you’re reading my best attempt to process my thoughts! This is it! This is me, trying to figure it out! I left, felt like I was coming apart at the seams, went straight to my nearest safe zone – a bookstore, naturally – sat down, and continued this.

——————–

Okay. Settle down, Jordan. Whew. I need to try to get this out. You, in all likelihood, are wondering what on Earth I’m heart-vomiting about. I’m getting there. Trying to, anyway. Just bear with me. Again – there’s no facade here. No trickery. No deception. This is real time, as I’m thinking, and right now, I can’t tell which is greater: my feeling of elation or my feeling of terror.

——————–

It’s now a couple of hours later. My heartbeat has slowed, but only a slight amount. Here’s the deal. Actually, I’d be curious to hear your opinion on this. What should I do when specific strong feelings I have about what I should do, if acted upon, might come into conflict with the general way I try to live my life? Which should take precedence over the other? If, on the one hand, you have these acute emotions about certain people or situations that you feel the desire to act on, and on the other hand, you have the sort of person you try to be, and the two seem, in certain situations, to be mutually exclusive – which way? Do you work as best you can to suppress your feelings, for the sake of being the person you seek to be, or do you go with it and express/act on those feelings, because to choose not to would be to deny yourself what your heart most desires?

——————–

Tonight, after pacing for an indeterminate length of time, I said “screw it” and went with it. I didn’t fully express myself, but I at least said *something*. I have a precious jewel of a friend who makes my heart ache, for reasons more numerous than I can really go into right now. Tonight, I went to her and told her, against all my worrying and indecision, that she is *wonderful* and truly deserves to be happy, and that I hope she never forgets that. Her smile, in response, and the tears she seemed to have to hold back nearly took me apart, right there. And then … a hug. Ecstasy.

——————–

Remember, in Love Actually, immediately after the postcard scene, after Keira Knightley runs after the dude and kisses him, when he’s walking away, Silent Night-playing-boombox in hand? The vibe of that exact moment? That was me, tonight.

Adapted from a Twitter heart vomit. I seek to be both everywhere and nowhere. August 9, 2010

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I lurk in the dark, under cover of shadows. Be forewarned – I am armed. Not with any firearm or lethal weapon, but one no less as potentially dangerous. I am armed with the overwhelming desire to make people – like the lonely girl you see at the mall, dressed in black – see themselves as I do. As beauty. As who they really are and deserve to be. So, I move. I move against the winds of preconceived notion and of popular opinion. The winds and the other elements of strife do not chill or hinder me, either, for I am forever warmed by my heart’s conviction that all of what I feel – all of what breaks me into pieces with every breathe I take – *means something*, and to ignore it would be ignoring the one thing that always serves as a port amongst the storm for me. With time, it has become increasingly apparent that this part of me is not just a part of me – it IS me. I AM this, for better or for worse, and I will not stop. I refuse to, even directly in the face of all others. Even if that means standing alone. I will be the moon when the sun takes it’s leave. So, keep a sharp eye. I move, just beyond the light’s grasp of the shadows, as a light in darkness. Always and forever.

Hi. I’ve missed you. July 17, 2010

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It’s been a while. If you’re reading this and that matters to you, I apologize. I can only say that I can’t force this. I’ve never been able to, and that has never been what this blog is about for me. What it was started as, over two years ago now (whoa) – and what it remains, today – is a safe haven for my head and for my heart. A place that my thoughts can go to and feel unafraid.

Right now, I’m in my room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, door cracked, light off. The only light is coming from my phone’s screen, which I am typing this out on.

At this point, I think I’ve decided that there are three different parts of attraction that draw us to one another. The first part is the least discriminatory. It is that instinctual, primal, sexual desire we all possess to be touched, held, caressed, kissed, and wanted. It’s been bred into us for hundreds of generations, and it’s always there, in varying degrees. The second part is pure physical attraction. To be in lust, not in love. To see someone and to not have your first thought be “I wonder if he/she is having a pleasant day?”, or “I would love to take him/her out to dinner sometime!”, but “MMMMM – I wanna be all OVER that.” It’s, in some respects, quite similar to part one, just more focused, more defined, more acute, and aimed at a specific person. Now, part three. Part three is the only part out of the three that love can germinate out of. It is real, foundational emotional attraction – the sort that keeps you up at night, just wanting to be with him/her, or hear what’s on their mind, or make sure they’re ok.

Here’s what I think I have discovered. Actually, wait … discovered is a bad word. Confirmed is better. I’ve been fairly sure of the essential nature of Part Three to me in order for me to be able to let myself be involved with someone, but, recently, that has been … yeah, confirmed. If the three parts were each a different scent of cologne, then there is a massive, bottomless bottle of Eau De Part Three in my heart that scents out into me with every heartbeat. I am permeated with it, and with my desire and hope for it, and I don’t think there’s any changing that. I’m bound to this, forever and ever. I’m in lockstep with it.

Don’t get me wrong – it SUCKS, sometimes. It can be horrid. I mean – what I’m sort of doing is telling my millennia-old physical instincts “NO”. How could that *not* mess with my head, you know? It wrecks me, sometimes – trying to reconcile everything. And, at this point, I figure that I have to be cognizant of the possibility that all of this – all of me – is just as likely to hold potential partners away as it is to draw them in. It might be years before I can be in another relationship. How could THAT not mess with my head? The idea that my hope is so strong that it might actually be prohibitive? It’s terrifying, but it’s possible.

I don’t know what the curtain call is anymore. I don’t know what my endgame is. All I know to say is the following paragraph – it’s also on my Facebook page.

Those that I most identify with and those that do my soul the most good are the romantics, the dreamers, the freethinkers, the tender, the hope-bringers, the care givers, the peace-spreaders, the fire-hearted, and those who keep warm in a cold world by inhaling hate and exhaling love. You all are the single biggest reason that my feet stay on the ground, my eyes keep opening, and my heart keeps beating. I stand in unshakeable solidarity with you, directly in the face of the outside world, always and forever.

I miss you. So much. December 17, 2009

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Dear Soulmate,

I miss you.

That, in and of itself, is nothing new, but lately? I seem to miss you more and more each day. I’m not even sure how that works, exactly – after all, how can you miss someone that you’ve yet to know? I don’t know, but that is how I feel. There are some days when, for lack of a better way to explain it, I just feel like I’m fading. Like everything is slowly, inexorably moving away. The only thing that can bring it all back – the only recourse I really have – is thinking of you.

You keep me breathing, laughing, loving, hoping, wishing, dreaming, thinking, feeling, crying, singing, listening, and living.

I have so much to give, share, and express – so much passion, intensity, feeling, and, most of all, love. Honestly, it scares me. It terrifies me, possessing all of that and not yet being able to share it with you.

I have written to you before that I will wait for you as long as I have to, and I mean that every bit as much now as I always have and always will.

I can’t imagine what we will be like together, and I can not wait to see what it is that we will create. I want us to create something – to refer to it merely as a “relationship” is so superlatively understated as to be absurd – so strong, pure, powerful, dark, light, sexy, beautiful, unwavering, and all-encompassing  that it defies further description. I just want YOU! I require nothing else! I do not WANT anything else! How could I? How could I ever look past you? How could I ever – for even one second – not have you in the very center of my thoughts, wishes, and dreams? Even considering that is repugnant to me! I would rather not live at all than live like that!

It’s now nearly five a.m. It’s taken me hours to even write this. My angel, I would give everything I have – in a heartbeat, without a second thought – if that meant being able to go to sleep tonight by your side, holding you against me, my fingers in your hair, my palm on your cheek, and my heart yours.

Missing and awaiting you tonight more than ever,

Jordan

A Birthday Letter December 8, 2009

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Dear Moon, UC, all of the incredible women on and around LTT, LTR, and the rest of the Twilight fandom, and every single person I’ve been able to get to know because of or through it –

Wow. I don’t really know of another way to start this, other than simply saying wow. Wow.

I’m overwhelmed as I try to textualize all of this – the happiness I feel for Moon and UC on LTT/LTR’s Birthiversary, the extreme gratitude I feel towards the amazing people I’ve been privileged to get to know for all that they have (probably unknowingly) done that has served as a light among darkness for me, the sense of awe I still feel for all that has grown out from the book series, the profound sense of privilege (and responsibility, in a sense) I feel out of being part of this community, and, most of all, the deep, unwavering love I feel for all of it. ALL of it. And all of you. Including you. Yes, YOU. If you’re reading this – even if I don’t know you very well, or if we haven’t met in person, or if we haven’t had the chance to talk very much – I want you to know that I am fervently thankful for you, that I am HERE for you in whatever way that I can be, and that I love you.

This is not just LTT/LTR’s birthday – this time (this approximate time, anyway) also serves as my personal Twi-versary. Here’s a bit of minutiae that none of you know about: I still have the receipts for my purchases of each of the books, so I can tell you exactly when it all started for me. November 9th, 2008. That was the date, last year, when I – totally unaware of what I was getting myself into – picked up a paperback copy of Twilight, curious as to what all the hype was about. I ended up reading the first six chapters – up to the Port Angeles trip – in the bookstore that night! I completely lost track of time in the process, and was finally brought back to Earth by my realization that the store would be closing in a few minutes. Stunned by the world that I had stepped into, I decided that it would be pointless to even make the slightest pretense of not being fascinated by all of it, so I bought the book that night (along with John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” on vinyl. Pretty good haul, wouldn’t you say?). I even made sure to buy that same paperback copy of the book – the first one I ever picked up. It’s now something of a prized possession for me. I bought an advance ticket for an opening night showing of the movie and went by myself, since I hardly even knew anyone else who was into it back then. I was initially kind of bummed about going by myself, but, once I got to the theater that night, it didn’t matter. I completely forgot about that, because I was STUNNED by the scene that night, and what I saw. Even though – shock of shocks – myself and the couple of other guys in attendance were overwhelmingly outnumbered by the girls there, I discovered that it didn’t really bother me, and that I actually liked it. I can’t say that I expect this to make much sense, but I also felt my innate sense of protectiveness and nurturing, because I CARED about all of those girls in the theater that night. Nevermind that none of them even knew who I was – those girls MATTERED to me (and continue to matter to me), and I savored every single second of that night’s experience, because I got to see all of them at their most beautiful – thrillingly, wonderfully happy, unapologetically female, and just alive. FULL of life. That was one of the moments that gave me an inkling of what kind of person I want to be, and what kind of existence makes sense to me – I want to contribute as much as possible to those moments, and to helping those girls, and others like them, know that I CARE. 

I’m not even sure of where next to go with this letter, or what else to say (or type, rather). I am sure, however, that I have been extraordinarily blessed by all of you, and by all of this. I consider myself very lucky, and, if I may, I’ll venture into TUCT (Total Unabashed Corniness Territory) for a moment and sign off with this: I love being a unicorn, I wear that label with pride, like a badge of honor, I love that some now know me as “the OG unicorn” or simply as “the unicorn”, and, most of all, I love that some call me “our unicorn”. Yes, I am. I am happy to belong to all of this, and I will be here as long as you all will let me.

Love (and spider monkeys),

Jordan

So, Fromm and I were discussing love recently… November 30, 2009

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I was reading Erich Fromm’s “The Art Of Loving” the other day, and there was a particular point he hit upon that really made sense to me and got me thinking. Basically, what he said went like this. Whenever people start thinking about love, or about relationships and why they might not be involved in one, a mistake that a lot of them make is think that the problem lies not within themselves, but with who they know. In other words, a lot of people, in an effort to make themselves feel better – and because we all carry some amount of self-bias – convince themselves that they’re not really where the problem lies. The problem is that they just haven’t found the right person to love, they tell themselves. While this can hold some situational merit, a lot of the time it’s not entirely true. Fromm made what I thought was a brilliant comparison – he said that a person thinking that way would be like a novice painter wrestling with why he isn’t a master of his craft yet, and then convincing himself that the problem lies not with his own lack of skill, but with the dilemma of his simply not having found the right object to paint yet! If he could only find the right object, or muse, or inspiration – why, he wouldn’t need to work on improving himself! He would just know! That, Fromm says, is what people essentially do with respect to love. They tell themselves that they just need to find that right person, and then everything else will fall into place without extra effort. On the contrary, though, Fromm argued that love is an art form that can (and needs to be) worked on for the sake of improvement, just as any other form of art can be. Sure, your situation and environment can play a part, but the biggest thing is YOU.

That has really stuck with me. I can be BETTER, and I try, continually, as sincerely as I can, to be better. We all can, and we all need to. I mean, just look around – the world needs us. Our culture isn’t about lifting each other up anymore. It’s about tearing each other down. We should all be investing as much as possible into being part of the solution to that problem, not the perpetuation of it.

Love.

I want to just be there for those that need someone. October 2, 2009

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Here’s one of my new discoveries: Mayday Parade’s “Miserable At Best” is just a great, great song. It’s so sweet, and pure, and youthful, and effervescent, and wonderfully evocative. I just love it. It’s what my heart looks like right now, even though the lyrics don’t apply to me. That doesn’t matter. It’s the mood.

Today. Right now. October afternoon. It feels lovely outside, I have the rest of the night free, and I want to DO something! Listening to “Miserable At Best” makes me want to just go, and meet people, and go to a park, and hug, and cry, and find a lonely girl whose room is covered in Twilight posters and just spend time with her, and hug her, and make her feel special, and order pizza and watch a movie, and just make her feel warm, and make her understand that it does NOT have to work the way that the outside world does, and remind her that there are actually people out there who care and who don’t want to just pass her by. That girl – and I know she, and others like her, are in my city, somewhere – that girl and her feelings, they MATTER. The rest of the world might be content to just roll their eyes, but those girls, and what they’re going through, are IMPORTANT to me! I want to be there for them, because I CARE.

Today’s young people – Generation 2009 – are the most literate, self-aware, intelligent generation that’s ever lived. Paradoxically, even despite the whole Web 2.0 movement and all the ways we now have to stay connected to each other, today’s young people also feel more isolated, more ostracized, more misunderstood, and more alone than any other young people ever have. I want to help them, and I want to help change that second part.