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An outcry. March 7, 2011

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Dear Soulmate,

Please, come save me. Just come take me away. You are everything wonderful and pure and warm and beautiful, and I want to be with you and you alone.

Love without limits,
Jordan

I don’t know what to title this. October 8, 2010

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It’s happening, right now. I can feel it. The struggle, the rise, the fall, the beautiful, and the terrible. Rarely do I ever feel the fight more than I am right now, and I don’t know which way the pendulum should swing. It hurts.

——————–

Holy cow. Oh my goodness. My heart is RACING. Like, right now. As I type. I’m live-blogging, mind you. Saving as I go. And I’m in the thick of it. I just left battle. I *acted*. I *went with it*. That, you must understand, is *tremendously* significant to me. WOW. That was AMAZING! I can’t even process my thoughts, really, such is the dizzying effect it had. I mean, you’re reading my best attempt to process my thoughts! This is it! This is me, trying to figure it out! I left, felt like I was coming apart at the seams, went straight to my nearest safe zone – a bookstore, naturally – sat down, and continued this.

——————–

Okay. Settle down, Jordan. Whew. I need to try to get this out. You, in all likelihood, are wondering what on Earth I’m heart-vomiting about. I’m getting there. Trying to, anyway. Just bear with me. Again – there’s no facade here. No trickery. No deception. This is real time, as I’m thinking, and right now, I can’t tell which is greater: my feeling of elation or my feeling of terror.

——————–

It’s now a couple of hours later. My heartbeat has slowed, but only a slight amount. Here’s the deal. Actually, I’d be curious to hear your opinion on this. What should I do when specific strong feelings I have about what I should do, if acted upon, might come into conflict with the general way I try to live my life? Which should take precedence over the other? If, on the one hand, you have these acute emotions about certain people or situations that you feel the desire to act on, and on the other hand, you have the sort of person you try to be, and the two seem, in certain situations, to be mutually exclusive – which way? Do you work as best you can to suppress your feelings, for the sake of being the person you seek to be, or do you go with it and express/act on those feelings, because to choose not to would be to deny yourself what your heart most desires?

——————–

Tonight, after pacing for an indeterminate length of time, I said “screw it” and went with it. I didn’t fully express myself, but I at least said *something*. I have a precious jewel of a friend who makes my heart ache, for reasons more numerous than I can really go into right now. Tonight, I went to her and told her, against all my worrying and indecision, that she is *wonderful* and truly deserves to be happy, and that I hope she never forgets that. Her smile, in response, and the tears she seemed to have to hold back nearly took me apart, right there. And then … a hug. Ecstasy.

——————–

Remember, in Love Actually, immediately after the postcard scene, after Keira Knightley runs after the dude and kisses him, when he’s walking away, Silent Night-playing-boombox in hand? The vibe of that exact moment? That was me, tonight.

Hi. I’ve missed you. July 17, 2010

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It’s been a while. If you’re reading this and that matters to you, I apologize. I can only say that I can’t force this. I’ve never been able to, and that has never been what this blog is about for me. What it was started as, over two years ago now (whoa) – and what it remains, today – is a safe haven for my head and for my heart. A place that my thoughts can go to and feel unafraid.

Right now, I’m in my room. Sitting on the edge of the bed, door cracked, light off. The only light is coming from my phone’s screen, which I am typing this out on.

At this point, I think I’ve decided that there are three different parts of attraction that draw us to one another. The first part is the least discriminatory. It is that instinctual, primal, sexual desire we all possess to be touched, held, caressed, kissed, and wanted. It’s been bred into us for hundreds of generations, and it’s always there, in varying degrees. The second part is pure physical attraction. To be in lust, not in love. To see someone and to not have your first thought be “I wonder if he/she is having a pleasant day?”, or “I would love to take him/her out to dinner sometime!”, but “MMMMM – I wanna be all OVER that.” It’s, in some respects, quite similar to part one, just more focused, more defined, more acute, and aimed at a specific person. Now, part three. Part three is the only part out of the three that love can germinate out of. It is real, foundational emotional attraction – the sort that keeps you up at night, just wanting to be with him/her, or hear what’s on their mind, or make sure they’re ok.

Here’s what I think I have discovered. Actually, wait … discovered is a bad word. Confirmed is better. I’ve been fairly sure of the essential nature of Part Three to me in order for me to be able to let myself be involved with someone, but, recently, that has been … yeah, confirmed. If the three parts were each a different scent of cologne, then there is a massive, bottomless bottle of Eau De Part Three in my heart that scents out into me with every heartbeat. I am permeated with it, and with my desire and hope for it, and I don’t think there’s any changing that. I’m bound to this, forever and ever. I’m in lockstep with it.

Don’t get me wrong – it SUCKS, sometimes. It can be horrid. I mean – what I’m sort of doing is telling my millennia-old physical instincts “NO”. How could that *not* mess with my head, you know? It wrecks me, sometimes – trying to reconcile everything. And, at this point, I figure that I have to be cognizant of the possibility that all of this – all of me – is just as likely to hold potential partners away as it is to draw them in. It might be years before I can be in another relationship. How could THAT not mess with my head? The idea that my hope is so strong that it might actually be prohibitive? It’s terrifying, but it’s possible.

I don’t know what the curtain call is anymore. I don’t know what my endgame is. All I know to say is the following paragraph – it’s also on my Facebook page.

Those that I most identify with and those that do my soul the most good are the romantics, the dreamers, the freethinkers, the tender, the hope-bringers, the care givers, the peace-spreaders, the fire-hearted, and those who keep warm in a cold world by inhaling hate and exhaling love. You all are the single biggest reason that my feet stay on the ground, my eyes keep opening, and my heart keeps beating. I stand in unshakeable solidarity with you, directly in the face of the outside world, always and forever.

Amy Lee, you own me. January 14, 2010

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Anywhere“, “Where Will You Go“, and “Hello“, by Evanescence. Those tracks … just amazing. The FIRE that you feel when Amy sings – it’s nearly indescribable! Those songs make me think of rain, night, love letters, flowing long dark hair against fair skin, eyeliner, crying, screaming, love, that girl at the PostSecret event with the shaky voice that didn’t think her secret would make anyone laugh or applaud (check the video here, at the 2:46 mark), those two girls at the Slipknot concert that brought them a painting and a scrapbook and thanked them with tears in their eyes (check it out here, at the 8:56 mark), all-consuming single-minded love, The Crow, staying up all night talking, being young and just not having it all figured out, holding hands at the mall, meeting at a park, hiding out in a bookstore, finding solace only through each other, and everything else pure and wonderful in life.

I miss you. So much. December 17, 2009

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Dear Soulmate,

I miss you.

That, in and of itself, is nothing new, but lately? I seem to miss you more and more each day. I’m not even sure how that works, exactly – after all, how can you miss someone that you’ve yet to know? I don’t know, but that is how I feel. There are some days when, for lack of a better way to explain it, I just feel like I’m fading. Like everything is slowly, inexorably moving away. The only thing that can bring it all back – the only recourse I really have – is thinking of you.

You keep me breathing, laughing, loving, hoping, wishing, dreaming, thinking, feeling, crying, singing, listening, and living.

I have so much to give, share, and express – so much passion, intensity, feeling, and, most of all, love. Honestly, it scares me. It terrifies me, possessing all of that and not yet being able to share it with you.

I have written to you before that I will wait for you as long as I have to, and I mean that every bit as much now as I always have and always will.

I can’t imagine what we will be like together, and I can not wait to see what it is that we will create. I want us to create something – to refer to it merely as a “relationship” is so superlatively understated as to be absurd – so strong, pure, powerful, dark, light, sexy, beautiful, unwavering, and all-encompassing  that it defies further description. I just want YOU! I require nothing else! I do not WANT anything else! How could I? How could I ever look past you? How could I ever – for even one second – not have you in the very center of my thoughts, wishes, and dreams? Even considering that is repugnant to me! I would rather not live at all than live like that!

It’s now nearly five a.m. It’s taken me hours to even write this. My angel, I would give everything I have – in a heartbeat, without a second thought – if that meant being able to go to sleep tonight by your side, holding you against me, my fingers in your hair, my palm on your cheek, and my heart yours.

Missing and awaiting you tonight more than ever,

Jordan

A Birthday Letter December 8, 2009

Posted by Jordan in Thoughts, Twilight.
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Dear Moon, UC, all of the incredible women on and around LTT, LTR, and the rest of the Twilight fandom, and every single person I’ve been able to get to know because of or through it –

Wow. I don’t really know of another way to start this, other than simply saying wow. Wow.

I’m overwhelmed as I try to textualize all of this – the happiness I feel for Moon and UC on LTT/LTR’s Birthiversary, the extreme gratitude I feel towards the amazing people I’ve been privileged to get to know for all that they have (probably unknowingly) done that has served as a light among darkness for me, the sense of awe I still feel for all that has grown out from the book series, the profound sense of privilege (and responsibility, in a sense) I feel out of being part of this community, and, most of all, the deep, unwavering love I feel for all of it. ALL of it. And all of you. Including you. Yes, YOU. If you’re reading this – even if I don’t know you very well, or if we haven’t met in person, or if we haven’t had the chance to talk very much – I want you to know that I am fervently thankful for you, that I am HERE for you in whatever way that I can be, and that I love you.

This is not just LTT/LTR’s birthday – this time (this approximate time, anyway) also serves as my personal Twi-versary. Here’s a bit of minutiae that none of you know about: I still have the receipts for my purchases of each of the books, so I can tell you exactly when it all started for me. November 9th, 2008. That was the date, last year, when I – totally unaware of what I was getting myself into – picked up a paperback copy of Twilight, curious as to what all the hype was about. I ended up reading the first six chapters – up to the Port Angeles trip – in the bookstore that night! I completely lost track of time in the process, and was finally brought back to Earth by my realization that the store would be closing in a few minutes. Stunned by the world that I had stepped into, I decided that it would be pointless to even make the slightest pretense of not being fascinated by all of it, so I bought the book that night (along with John Coltrane’s “A Love Supreme” on vinyl. Pretty good haul, wouldn’t you say?). I even made sure to buy that same paperback copy of the book – the first one I ever picked up. It’s now something of a prized possession for me. I bought an advance ticket for an opening night showing of the movie and went by myself, since I hardly even knew anyone else who was into it back then. I was initially kind of bummed about going by myself, but, once I got to the theater that night, it didn’t matter. I completely forgot about that, because I was STUNNED by the scene that night, and what I saw. Even though – shock of shocks – myself and the couple of other guys in attendance were overwhelmingly outnumbered by the girls there, I discovered that it didn’t really bother me, and that I actually liked it. I can’t say that I expect this to make much sense, but I also felt my innate sense of protectiveness and nurturing, because I CARED about all of those girls in the theater that night. Nevermind that none of them even knew who I was – those girls MATTERED to me (and continue to matter to me), and I savored every single second of that night’s experience, because I got to see all of them at their most beautiful – thrillingly, wonderfully happy, unapologetically female, and just alive. FULL of life. That was one of the moments that gave me an inkling of what kind of person I want to be, and what kind of existence makes sense to me – I want to contribute as much as possible to those moments, and to helping those girls, and others like them, know that I CARE. 

I’m not even sure of where next to go with this letter, or what else to say (or type, rather). I am sure, however, that I have been extraordinarily blessed by all of you, and by all of this. I consider myself very lucky, and, if I may, I’ll venture into TUCT (Total Unabashed Corniness Territory) for a moment and sign off with this: I love being a unicorn, I wear that label with pride, like a badge of honor, I love that some now know me as “the OG unicorn” or simply as “the unicorn”, and, most of all, I love that some call me “our unicorn”. Yes, I am. I am happy to belong to all of this, and I will be here as long as you all will let me.

Love (and spider monkeys),

Jordan

I want to just be there for those that need someone. October 2, 2009

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Here’s one of my new discoveries: Mayday Parade’s “Miserable At Best” is just a great, great song. It’s so sweet, and pure, and youthful, and effervescent, and wonderfully evocative. I just love it. It’s what my heart looks like right now, even though the lyrics don’t apply to me. That doesn’t matter. It’s the mood.

Today. Right now. October afternoon. It feels lovely outside, I have the rest of the night free, and I want to DO something! Listening to “Miserable At Best” makes me want to just go, and meet people, and go to a park, and hug, and cry, and find a lonely girl whose room is covered in Twilight posters and just spend time with her, and hug her, and make her feel special, and order pizza and watch a movie, and just make her feel warm, and make her understand that it does NOT have to work the way that the outside world does, and remind her that there are actually people out there who care and who don’t want to just pass her by. That girl – and I know she, and others like her, are in my city, somewhere – that girl and her feelings, they MATTER. The rest of the world might be content to just roll their eyes, but those girls, and what they’re going through, are IMPORTANT to me! I want to be there for them, because I CARE.

Today’s young people – Generation 2009 – are the most literate, self-aware, intelligent generation that’s ever lived. Paradoxically, even despite the whole Web 2.0 movement and all the ways we now have to stay connected to each other, today’s young people also feel more isolated, more ostracized, more misunderstood, and more alone than any other young people ever have. I want to help them, and I want to help change that second part.

Emotions, and what they do to me. May 13, 2009

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I think I’ve figured something out about myself.

I think that the potency of my emotions sometimes carries me to the point where I think and feel too much for my own good.

Last night, I was at Barnes & Noble, completely engrossed in a book of love letters, when I noticed this girl sitting across from me. I don’t know why, but I was immediately struck by how beautiful she was and I had a hard time stopping myself from staring. She had mild, warm skin tones, inquisitive eyes, long, gorgeous auburn hair, and she was wearing a long white skirt that looked fantastic on her. She looked elegant, intelligent, and stunning, all at the same time.

Well, I eventually was ready to leave, but I had this incredible urge to go say something to her. So, I went up to her and said, “Excuse me – I don’t mean to bother you, and I don’t want to seem rude, but I couldn’t help noticing you, and I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful. It does everyone good to be reminded of that, and you’re beautiful. Just know that.” She smiled at me and said “Thank you”, but she was clearly taken a bit aback, so I smiled back, turned, and left. I exited the building to walk to my car, and I had tears in my eyes by the time I got to it. I don’t even know why, and this might not make any sense, but I already wanted to talk to her more, and to hear about the book she was reading, and about what she thinks and feels, and about what was on her mind, and what was worrying her, and what I could perhaps help with, and I just broke down. So, yeah, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do or think anymore, but I’m pretty sure, going back to the first couple of sentences of this post, that I feel too much. And the crazy part – the part that really might not make any sense – is that I wouldn’t ever change that about myself. I don’t think that I would even consider it, actually, if I were given the opportunity. So, I guess I just have to deal with it, and take the good with the bad. I really don’t know. I don’t think there’s a “right” or “wrong” answer – there’s just me, and all I can do is do the best that I can. I do, however, know this with certainty: I’ll take “feeling too much” over “not feeling” every single time.

I just can’t help myself, and I don’t know what else to do other than to feel, and try to make sense of everything from there. Emotion is my reference point.

A Love Letter May 9, 2009

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Dear Soulmate,

I want to love.

I want to give so much love that it disorients the people who receive it. I want to love so much that it makes people question my sincerity, only to pleasantly surprise those same people when they realize that I mean it.

Most of all, I want to shock someone with love, and I want that someone to be you. I want to love you to such an extreme that it becomes life-consuming. I want to love you so much that you end up being spoiled completely and totally rotten. And I don’t mean “spoil” as in “mess up” or “deface” – I mean “spoil” as in “absolutely redefine what it means to treat someone like an angel and seek, every day, to lay waste to their previous definition of happiness and force them to try to generate another one”. And, honestly, I don’t even want you to be successful at that – I want to love you to the point of rendering you speechless.

I’ll wait as long as I have to for you, sweetheart. Just, please know that I’m here, and that I won’t ever give up on you. I can’t, because even though I might not even know you yet, I love you. I love you more than anyone else has ever loved anyone, and you have absolutely no idea how excited I am to, one day, be able to show you. I want to fall into you so deeply that the outside world completely loses relevance for me, because you are my world. You are all that I am, and all that I will ever be.

Love beyond all boundaries,

Jordan