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I don’t know what to title this. October 8, 2010

Posted by Jordan in Thoughts.
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It’s happening, right now. I can feel it. The struggle, the rise, the fall, the beautiful, and the terrible. Rarely do I ever feel the fight more than I am right now, and I don’t know which way the pendulum should swing. It hurts.

——————–

Holy cow. Oh my goodness. My heart is RACING. Like, right now. As I type. I’m live-blogging, mind you. Saving as I go. And I’m in the thick of it. I just left battle. I *acted*. I *went with it*. That, you must understand, is *tremendously* significant to me. WOW. That was AMAZING! I can’t even process my thoughts, really, such is the dizzying effect it had. I mean, you’re reading my best attempt to process my thoughts! This is it! This is me, trying to figure it out! I left, felt like I was coming apart at the seams, went straight to my nearest safe zone – a bookstore, naturally – sat down, and continued this.

——————–

Okay. Settle down, Jordan. Whew. I need to try to get this out. You, in all likelihood, are wondering what on Earth I’m heart-vomiting about. I’m getting there. Trying to, anyway. Just bear with me. Again – there’s no facade here. No trickery. No deception. This is real time, as I’m thinking, and right now, I can’t tell which is greater: my feeling of elation or my feeling of terror.

——————–

It’s now a couple of hours later. My heartbeat has slowed, but only a slight amount. Here’s the deal. Actually, I’d be curious to hear your opinion on this. What should I do when specific strong feelings I have about what I should do, if acted upon, might come into conflict with the general way I try to live my life? Which should take precedence over the other? If, on the one hand, you have these acute emotions about certain people or situations that you feel the desire to act on, and on the other hand, you have the sort of person you try to be, and the two seem, in certain situations, to be mutually exclusive – which way? Do you work as best you can to suppress your feelings, for the sake of being the person you seek to be, or do you go with it and express/act on those feelings, because to choose not to would be to deny yourself what your heart most desires?

——————–

Tonight, after pacing for an indeterminate length of time, I said “screw it” and went with it. I didn’t fully express myself, but I at least said *something*. I have a precious jewel of a friend who makes my heart ache, for reasons more numerous than I can really go into right now. Tonight, I went to her and told her, against all my worrying and indecision, that she is *wonderful* and truly deserves to be happy, and that I hope she never forgets that. Her smile, in response, and the tears she seemed to have to hold back nearly took me apart, right there. And then … a hug. Ecstasy.

——————–

Remember, in Love Actually, immediately after the postcard scene, after Keira Knightley runs after the dude and kisses him, when he’s walking away, Silent Night-playing-boombox in hand? The vibe of that exact moment? That was me, tonight.

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1. Pange - October 8, 2010

Jordan,

This – “Tonight, I went to her and told her, against all my worrying and indecision, that she is *wonderful* and truly deserves to be happy, and that I hope she never forgets that.” – is never, ever, ever a bad thing for someone to hear. Obviously I don’t know the background, but that is such a beautiful sentiment that everyone needs to be reassured of once in awhile.

As to your original question, I truly believe in following your feelings, “going with your gut,” in most situations. The only thing that usually stops me is fear. Fear of rejection, fear of hurting the other person, etc. But I believe it’s one way to really live your life authentically.

Also that scene from Love Actually? One of my favorite scenes from one of my favorite movies of all time. Love it. =)

{{{hugs}}}

2. Melissa - October 8, 2010

Again, you make me smile. Your pure heart and desire to just make people feel loved and appreciated are so special.

She is a lucky woman, and though you may never have those feelings returned to you when you put them out there…you never know until you allow them to come out.

Love Actually – my favorite movie ever, and that scene, with Songbird in the background is one of my fav’s. His face, his words on the cards, her reaction, every girl that’s seen that wishes she knew ONE man in life that felt that way about her. You have done that for one lucky woman. Let’s just hope she’s smart too:)

3. Jordan - October 9, 2010

Thank you both so much for your words. Truly.

At this point, I’m really not sure what, exactly, I’m supposed to be thinking or feeling about it, or about her. What I want the most is for her to be able to smile without any conditions or strings attached. She deserves that. I just know it. I don’t think I’m comfortable with really saying too much more than that, at least as far as on here is concerned, as I can never really be sure who does and does not read this. When that went down, though – honestly, it just makes me think of something I wrote in a post on here a few months ago, about how my heart really isn’t ever NOT broken. She smiled. And there is something inside of her, I think, that recognizes cognitively that I’m right.

Miss you, Angie. And Mel – I hate that we haven’t met. I think we owe each other some serious bear hugs. And maybe we could swap haircare tips, too.

4. Melissa - October 11, 2010

Aww Jordan…you are too precious (that’s the Southern girl in me coming out).

I love looking at the pics of you from other meetups and seeing how happy everyone is around you. I know you’re a special man.

As for the hair, I chopped mine a few months ago, it’s growing already and VERY healthy, and that’s quite a feat here in NC where I’ve had to change shampoo because of hard water, and then get a filter for the shower because that water is REALLY hard. I’m back to shiny, good hair now, it only took 5 months.

Love ya,
~Mel


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