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THIS – perhaps more than anything else I’ve ever wrote – is who I am. February 19, 2010

Posted by Jordan in Thoughts.
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I don’t know if there’s a comprehensible way to introduce this. This moment, this feeling, this love, this anger, this sadness, this shock, these tears. What IS this, even? Is this what I’ve been reduced to? A middle-of-the-night silent cry for help, with the silence only broken by sobs?

Actually, here’s what I think it means, to say that this is what I’ve been reduced to. I feel like I’m breaking. More specifically, I feel like every single non-essential piece of me is breaking apart and falling away, only leaving behind who I am right this second. This – this moment – is me. This is who I am. This is who I have always been, and who I will always be. If you could see me right now, you would see my heart, completely exposed and vulnerable, all manner of facade, armor, and protection stripped away. That’s it. THIS is it. Me being reduced to this means that this is everything. This is the beginning, middle, and end. This is all that matters. What this moment is – what I am, what my essence, spirit, and soul all are – is enough feeling – enough emotion, and enough desire to CARE, and to FEEL – to turn a desert of apathy into an ocean of love. LOVE.

It hurts me so much – I want to scream – but I can’t bear the thought of not knowing how this feels. I don’t ever want to not know, or to forget. I don’t ever want to grow cold or unfamiliar to this. I don’t ever want to be unable to go here – to go to this place. What I want is to print this out, keep it next to my bed, and read it first thing in the morning, every day. I don’t ever want this to go away. If that means having a heavy heart every day for the rest of my life, or having to excuse myself at work and lock myself in the bathroom and just cry because I can’t take it any longer, then so be it.

I think I know the reason why it’s always been difficult for me to answer questions about having my heart broken. The reason is that I can’t think of having my heart broken in terms of individual instances. The reason for THAT is because my heart is broken every day. It’s never NOT broken. It’s in a perpetual state of attempting to heal itself, only to be broken again. My heart breaks every time I see a girl who I want more desperately than I can explain to just wrap up in a warm hug and tell her that it’s all going to be alright. My heart breaks every time I see a girl who makes me wonder when the last time was that she had a guy give her a genuine smile and remind her of how beautiful she is. There are more instances of this same nature than I could list in a lifetime, and each of them destroys me, every time.

I only know this to ask. Please – I beg you – be cognizant, and extraordinarily so, of those moments that remind you of how truly beautiful life can be, and of how precious they are. Be aware, and extraordinarily so, of the profound and prodigious ability that you – that’s right, YOU – have to LOVE, and to be loved. I love you. I do. More than I know how to explain. Don’t read this and let yourself think that you’re exempt, or that this somehow doesn’t apply to you. It does. I promise you that. And please – don’t ever let go. Never. You’re too amazing, and have too much good – and too much love – inside of you to let that happen.

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Comments»

1. mytalestotell - February 25, 2010

What causes you so much pain and anguish???

2. pange1223 - February 26, 2010

Jordan, this was lovely. Really, really lovely. And I ‘get’ it.

But at the same time, I hate to think of you crying & hurting in the middle of the night. {{{hugs}}}

And I hope that *you* know how much you are loved.

3. Jordan - March 1, 2010

Suzane – now THAT is the very definition of a loaded question. If forced to phrase it succinctly, though … what causes me so much pain and anguish is the existential process that I seem to be forever bound to of attempting to reconcile all of the good with all of the bad. I haven’t yet figured out how to be at peace, when my thoughts are simultaneously dominated by all that I believe to be pure, wonderful, and true about life and by the horrific proliferation of callousness, insensitivity, and indifference I see every day. It’s a strange, torturous juxtaposition, and I don’t know how to make it make sense. Since I’m a synthesizer – meaning that I think holistically, always seeing the big picture – it’s difficult for me to disassociate anything from anything else. I always see and feel everything and everyone as connected to each other, in some way. Compartmentalizing (Is that even a word? Whatever. It is now.) my mind is very, very hard.

Angie – Thank you. Very much. ๐Ÿ™‚

4. Suzane - March 1, 2010

Jordan,
Well, thanks for taking the time to answer my loaded question to explain, and rather succinctly too, like you stated. I understood what you were saying and as I was reading what you wrote, I could already see the growing potential for a host of diverse thoughts [and of course, questions] that would inevitably arise from each point you made.

And all I could think about, when I finished reading it, was that if we ever had the chance to actually sit across from each other to slowly delve into each and every of these diverse thoughts & questions, dissecting your points & explanation at every juncture, I’d say it would make for an invigorating evening of endless conversations. And of course, questions, which I admit I already have more of right now! ๐Ÿ˜‰

5. SeattleLisa - March 7, 2010

I really do hope you find some peace.

6. Jordan - March 16, 2010

SeattleLisa – Thank you! I’m doing my best. How’d you run across my neck of the woods, out of curiosity? Do you have a blog?

7. myria101 - April 14, 2010

Tears.

I love you, J. I know that you wrote this 2 months ago, but you just tweeted about something similar just a couple of days ago.

I love knowing that there is someone like you in this world. I love knowing that I know you. I feel privileged to know you.

I miss your hugs. I need one.

M


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