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three fragments October 16, 2009

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Be That As It May

Decency all but vanquished, prostrate and weak to even a cursory glance

A cautious eye or a threat to the trance? Show concern and be regarded askance

Those onlooking might cry out in dismay

But the world has cut out their tongues, be that as it may

 

Tombs

Perspective is lost on those with a pulse

Consciousness does not always correlate to cognizance

For any hope of escaping first-person, we must seek out the buried

Dig ever deeper, or cut your throat and keep walking

Bring out your dead

 

Dusk

The darkness looms as clouds, acute and overwhelming

Ever advancing

Romanticism laid to waste through self-inflicted wounds

Existence isn’t the safest of planes to be on tonight

I want to just be there for those that need someone. October 2, 2009

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Here’s one of my new discoveries: Mayday Parade’s “Miserable At Best” is just a great, great song. It’s so sweet, and pure, and youthful, and effervescent, and wonderfully evocative. I just love it. It’s what my heart looks like right now, even though the lyrics don’t apply to me. That doesn’t matter. It’s the mood.

Today. Right now. October afternoon. It feels lovely outside, I have the rest of the night free, and I want to DO something! Listening to “Miserable At Best” makes me want to just go, and meet people, and go to a park, and hug, and cry, and find a lonely girl whose room is covered in Twilight posters and just spend time with her, and hug her, and make her feel special, and order pizza and watch a movie, and just make her feel warm, and make her understand that it does NOT have to work the way that the outside world does, and remind her that there are actually people out there who care and who don’t want to just pass her by. That girl – and I know she, and others like her, are in my city, somewhere – that girl and her feelings, they MATTER. The rest of the world might be content to just roll their eyes, but those girls, and what they’re going through, are IMPORTANT to me! I want to be there for them, because I CARE.

Today’s young people – Generation 2009 – are the most literate, self-aware, intelligent generation that’s ever lived. Paradoxically, even despite the whole Web 2.0 movement and all the ways we now have to stay connected to each other, today’s young people also feel more isolated, more ostracized, more misunderstood, and more alone than any other young people ever have. I want to help them, and I want to help change that second part.

Good news! I still exist! September 4, 2009

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Wait a second. Waaaaiiit just a second here. Has it REALLY been a bit more than two months since my last post? WOW. Inexcusable. Although, the one thing I will offer in my defense is that I can’t force it. I can’t make myself write something if I’m not “feeling” it. If that sounds nonsensical to you, then that makes two of us, because I don’t pretend to understand it either. Anyway – some random, stream-of-consciousness thoughts on what’s been going on recently:

  • The SHLF Project is continuing (original post about it can be found here) and I love it. I’ve given out over 130 messages so far, with many more to come.
  • College football! Starting tonight! I’m a bit excited. IMO, all these people (and polls – I’m looking at you, AP and USA Today) that have Texas ranked above Oklahoma have got problems. I’m no fan of either team, but OU is going to be the better team this year, and they’ll beat UT.
  • November is going to be awesome. My homeslice John Mayer’s new album, Battle Studies, drops on the 17th, and, later that same week, there’s this little movie called New Moon coming out that I may or may not be really excited for.
  • When I heard about Obama nominating Ben Bernanke for a second term as the Federal Reserve Chairman, all I could do was close my eyes and shake my head. Bernanke has become symbolic of everything that is wrong with the way our country’s monetary system works. It amazes me that more people weren’t up in arms over Obama’s re-nomination of him – it’s not like this information is hiding on some underground blog, or whatever. You can see it on Youtube! There are more videos than I care to sit through of Bernanke getting absolutely SCHOOLED, before Congress, on the way things should work. Granted, it’s mainly Ron Paul doing the schooling, but that doesn’t surprise me, at this point. I mean, just do a Youtube search for Peter Schiff. He predicted, with sometimes astonishing precision, exactly what has happened to our country’s economy, he was saying it years in advance, and no one listened to him! He’s a believer in Austrian Economics, which is, shock of shocks, the same school of economic thought that Ron Paul (another guy who tried to warn us of all the danger we were facing) subscribes to!

Whew! I apparently am still capable of blogging!

What I am not. Not yet, anyway. June 20, 2009

Posted by Jordan in Music, Thoughts.
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Ok, so, my last post was about what I want. All of that still applies. This post will be about what I am not. At least, not yet. I remain hopeful. If you’re confused – and you probably are – keep reading.

First, before I can really explain, you should watch this video, and then continue reading what’s below it.

Now, you may have indeed watched it, but did you really see it? Did you truly listen to it?

Since you’re all caught up, here’s what I am not.

I am not good enough, pure enough, decent enough, or worthy enough to bear witness to art that is that beautiful.

It’s a bit of a sobering thought, but it’s true. I don’t deserve to get to experience something like that. I don’t really know how (or why) I’ve been deemed lucky enough to get to experience it anyway, and I don’t really know whether my being cognizant of this is a blessing or a curse.

But, as I said above, I remain hopeful. I don’t know what the process is here, or how I’m supposed to reconcile any of this with myself, but I’m trying. I can be better. We all can be.

sleepless nights and city lights… (if you’re curious as to what I want, read this post.) June 1, 2009

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Here is exactly, precisely, what I want. Nothing more, and nothing less. I know that there are other things that should probably be taking precedence right now, but right now? In this moment? I don’t care. I really, really don’t care. So, that being said (or typed, in this case), here is what I want.

I want it to be an overcast, brisk, slightly chilly day, with the smell of rain in the air. The kind of day that most people, for reasons unknown to me, find depressing, but that I find liberating and exhilarating. I want to meet her at a coffee shop, along with a few friends. When I arrive, I want to get to see her break out a big smile. I want to hug her lovingly, in a way that envelopes her with warmth and suggests strength and intensity but also kindness and tenderness. I want to play with her hair during the hug, close my eyes, and completely forget where I am. Then, after a few minutes of conversation and of catching up with friends, I want to stand up, walk over to her, lean down with a smile on my face, place my hand on her shoulder, and discreetly request that she excuse herself from the main group, so that the two of us can talk privately. Then, I want her to accompany me to a corner of the room, away from everyone else, so that all other conversation sounds distant and muted. I want to focus only on her. I want to move two chairs close together, so that we can sit facing each other, but still be quite close. I want to lean forward, take her hands in mine, look up at her, and just gaze. Just gaze … for however long. Seconds, minutes, hours … I don’t care. The kind of looks that sometimes say more than words ever could. Then, I want to look straight at her, see that her eyes are stunning and that they are like windows and mirrors simultaneously, and say, in a low, soft, but still fervent, affectionate, and passionate voice, “I love you.” I then want to kiss her twice: once on her forehead and once on her lips.

Emotions, and what they do to me. May 13, 2009

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I think I’ve figured something out about myself.

I think that the potency of my emotions sometimes carries me to the point where I think and feel too much for my own good.

Last night, I was at Barnes & Noble, completely engrossed in a book of love letters, when I noticed this girl sitting across from me. I don’t know why, but I was immediately struck by how beautiful she was and I had a hard time stopping myself from staring. She had mild, warm skin tones, inquisitive eyes, long, gorgeous auburn hair, and she was wearing a long white skirt that looked fantastic on her. She looked elegant, intelligent, and stunning, all at the same time.

Well, I eventually was ready to leave, but I had this incredible urge to go say something to her. So, I went up to her and said, “Excuse me – I don’t mean to bother you, and I don’t want to seem rude, but I couldn’t help noticing you, and I just wanted to tell you that I think you’re beautiful. It does everyone good to be reminded of that, and you’re beautiful. Just know that.” She smiled at me and said “Thank you”, but she was clearly taken a bit aback, so I smiled back, turned, and left. I exited the building to walk to my car, and I had tears in my eyes by the time I got to it. I don’t even know why, and this might not make any sense, but I already wanted to talk to her more, and to hear about the book she was reading, and about what she thinks and feels, and about what was on her mind, and what was worrying her, and what I could perhaps help with, and I just broke down. So, yeah, I don’t even know what I’m supposed to do or think anymore, but I’m pretty sure, going back to the first couple of sentences of this post, that I feel too much. And the crazy part – the part that really might not make any sense – is that I wouldn’t ever change that about myself. I don’t think that I would even consider it, actually, if I were given the opportunity. So, I guess I just have to deal with it, and take the good with the bad. I really don’t know. I don’t think there’s a “right” or “wrong” answer – there’s just me, and all I can do is do the best that I can. I do, however, know this with certainty: I’ll take “feeling too much” over “not feeling” every single time.

I just can’t help myself, and I don’t know what else to do other than to feel, and try to make sense of everything from there. Emotion is my reference point.

A Love Letter May 9, 2009

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Dear Soulmate,

I want to love.

I want to give so much love that it disorients the people who receive it. I want to love so much that it makes people question my sincerity, only to pleasantly surprise those same people when they realize that I mean it.

Most of all, I want to shock someone with love, and I want that someone to be you. I want to love you to such an extreme that it becomes life-consuming. I want to love you so much that you end up being spoiled completely and totally rotten. And I don’t mean “spoil” as in “mess up” or “deface” – I mean “spoil” as in “absolutely redefine what it means to treat someone like an angel and seek, every day, to lay waste to their previous definition of happiness and force them to try to generate another one”. And, honestly, I don’t even want you to be successful at that – I want to love you to the point of rendering you speechless.

I’ll wait as long as I have to for you, sweetheart. Just, please know that I’m here, and that I won’t ever give up on you. I can’t, because even though I might not even know you yet, I love you. I love you more than anyone else has ever loved anyone, and you have absolutely no idea how excited I am to, one day, be able to show you. I want to fall into you so deeply that the outside world completely loses relevance for me, because you are my world. You are all that I am, and all that I will ever be.

Love beyond all boundaries,

Jordan

Last night was amazing. It was only the beginning, I hope. April 30, 2009

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Last night. Wednesday, April 29. Hopefully, the start of something beautiful, uplifting, and pure. I think it was. I really hope so. Here’s what happened.

I was sitting around the house, craving emotion and connection, but I wasn’t sure what I could do, or what I should be doing. I am frustrated nearly every day by my inability, for whatever reason, to do more connecting with people and to serve some sort of purpose in that regard. I’ve realized more and more that I seek that out, and that I need emotion, and I need depth. Last night, I particularly wanted to talk to girls, and just interact, and talk, and laugh, and cry, and hug, and just be there for them.

Anyway, perhaps unsurprisingly, I ended up on the computer, scanning websites and blogs, looking for something. Anything. Some kind of sign. I found my way to PostSecret, which, for the uninformed, is a wonderful place. I started reading stories that users had posted in the forum, about leaving secrets of their own in PostSecret books in bookstores, and even just leaving secrets randomly around their city. I was fascinated by all of it, and ended up taking some inspiration from what I read. I then found myself in my room, furiously writing on small pieces of notebook paper. I wasn’t really sure what I wanted to write when I started, but by the time I was done, I knew. I ended up with a couple of handwritten copies of four brief messages, cut so that each of the four messages was on its own strip of paper. They were as follows.

 

If you’re a guy, please give this to a girl you know.

If you’re a girl, I want you to know something. You’re beautiful, and you matter. Please don’t let yourself think that you don’t. I care about you.

 

If you’re a guy, you should tell a girl you know that she’s beautiful. She doesn’t hear it often enough.

If you’re a girl, please try not to be discouraged too much by the guys who seem to be better at tearing you down than at lifting you up. A guy should think of spending time with you as an amazing privilege. If you don’t know one like that just yet, don’t worry – I can’t wait to meet you.

 

If you’re a guy, please give this to a girl you know.

If you’re a girl, I want you to know that you are beautiful. Please don’t ever think that you are alone, or that there isn’t a guy out there that cares about you. Because I do.

 

If you’re a guy, you should tell a girl you know that she’s beautiful. She doesn’t hear it often enough.

If you’re a girl, please just know that there are guys out there that care. There are those of us out there who, even though we might not even know you yet, are already thinking of ways to make you happy.

 

I signed each of the messages as “Spread Hope Like Fire”.

I got each of the strips of paper folded and then set off in my car, still not entirely sure on where I was going. It was nearly midnight by this point, and I considered where there would still be some cars, and where there would perhaps be some young people. I decided to go to a movie theater that’s fairly close to my house, and scope out the parking lot there. Sure enough, there were still some cars. Not a lot, but there were enough, from people that were there catching the late showing of a movie. I parked at one end of the lot, grabbed the folded-up strips of paper with the messages on them, and started walking. Whenever I passed a car that I caught some kind of vibe from, I placed one of the messages under the driver’s side windshield wiper. After I had distributed all of them, I walked back across the lot to my car, and, before driving away, I looked back to the group of cars. Among others, I could see three cars, all parked next to each other, that each had a message under the windshield wiper. It felt AMAZING. I can’t even describe the energy I had. It felt so good and so right, and even on the brief drive back home, I was already excited at the thought of those people walking out to their cars and seeing the messages waiting for them, with no other explanation. If even one person was able to connect with their message, or gain something from it, no matter how big or small? That would be wonderful.

In a few minutes, I’m going to write perhaps a few more copies of those messages, and try to look inside and find some more that need to be wrote and need to be put out into the world. Then, later tonight, I’m going to head out again, find some more parking lots, and try to get the messages to people that need them.

Some search terms that have apparently led people to my blog. April 28, 2009

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I haven’t really seen people end up at my blog through lots of crazy, absurd searches that have nothing whatsoever to do with anything I write about, but I have seen some pretty funny searches in my stats, a few of which I will list below:

what page in midnight sun do edward and bella go to the resterant – Ah! You came to the right place for that – I’ve got you covered! It’s page 180!

alice cullen hot – Uh, DUH. “Hot” is SUCH an inadequate word for this. Step that up to “jaw-droppingly beautiful” or “hotter than the surface of the sun” or “so gorgeous it makes you want to cry” and THEN we’ll talk. Ashley Greene at least deserves that. Actually, she deserves to get anything she wants, but that’s beside the point.

deathcore hip hop – Not exactly sure what the idea was on this one … perhaps homeboy (or homegirl) couldn’t decide if he/she was feeling some Whitechapel or some Wu-Tang Clan? Some Oceano or some Chamillionaire? Some Despised Icon or some Eric B. & Rakim? Just seeing all those artist names in the same sentences is making my head hurt.

does robert pattinson have an age limit – Ok, this could seriously be interpreted, like, a million different ways. I’m guessing it was either a 14-year-old girl who was unsure with regards to how to investigate the legalities of drugging RPattz with a few of her friends and doing naughty, illegal things to him, or a woman in her 50’s who was trying to make sure that Rob hasn’t come out in an interview and definitively stated that he doesn’t go for mature, more experienced woman.

rpattz kstew appreciation thread – Got you covered on this one, too! The awesome ladies at the Letters To Twilight Forum love discussing Rob and Kristen! Go here!

some people like shit deathcore – Are you sure that you weren’t actually looking for Lambgoat? Absolutely positive you weren’t trying to get here? Because, if ultra-critical hyper-insensitive scene commentary is your bag, than those dudes just might be your soulmates.

does esme cullen smoke cigarettes -  No way! She’s married to a DOCTOR! Not that the Cullens smoking would exactly bear lots of long-term health consequences, but still! Also, a brief note to Elizabeth Reaser, if you’re reading this: I have no idea if you smoke or not, but regardless, don’t give people that search for questions like that any more reason to suspect! Stay away, girl!

quotes life goo goo dolls – I love this search. LOVE it. I don’t even have a more thought-out comment on this one - they’re just fantastic, and I can’t wait to hear their new album!

A Letter To Ashley Greene April 25, 2009

Posted by Jordan in Thoughts, Twilight.
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Dear Ashley,

I know it’s been a few hours since we’ve talked (did you go buy that cell phone charger yet so you can call me back?), but in the interim, I decided I’d drop you a few lines this way. Here’s the thing. I was just looking at some pictures of you online, and you, of all the girls in the world, do not need excessive make-up to look good. Make-up, when used in moderation and when used tastefully, is perfectly fine, and I understand why girls do it. When it’s applied right, it can accentuate your natural beauty and help bring out your features that you like or that you’re most comfortable with, and de-emphasize features or angles that you might not like. That’s all fine.

However, when used excessively, I think make-up is actually counterproductive. Granted, it would be phenomenally difficult for you to ever look like anything less than a vibrant, nearly-blinding ray of sunshine, but still. If it’s obvious that the cosmetics have just been caked on, it can end up looking too artificial and it can actually obscure natural beauty instead of draw attention to it. That’s not fine.

Especially not for you, because you, Ashley Greene, are an incredible, gorgeous young woman who does not need make-up to look amazing. I know I’m just one guy, and hey, what could I possibly know, but I think pictures like this one are your best.

 

Waiting with the bed made and your breakfast ready,

Jordan